Building Your First Bar (Part 1): Why You Should Assemble a Bar

1.  Beer gets boring

Most of my friends are beer drinkers.  I like beer okay.  It’s cheap, convenient and it satisfies most guests.  It works for the beach or the ballgame.  Still, it’s needlessly filling, overly carbonated and usually bland.  Even the less bland brews are overpriced and possess names that appeal to the lowest common denominator.  No self-respecting gentlemen should purchase Triple X Ale or Large-Breasted Blonde (get it?).  There must be a better way to expand our horizons!

2.  Mixing Cocktails is a path to self-realization

Save for homebrews, beer and wine are impersonal.  The character of the beverage is designed for the mass-market, including the guy who impresses his friends by serving Orgasmic Oatmeal Stout.  Without getting too existential, these beverages would exist in their same form whether or not you were ever born (discounting Butterfly Effect, Back to the Future laws of physics, etc.).  Now to the existential: buying Mass Market Light should make you feel like a peon in a world that really is indifferent to your purchase/existence/rebate-mailing-in, not the independent and creative man of consequence to which your girlfriend and Ayn Rand vicariously aspire.  (Note: despite their similar aspirations for you, never confuse them… http://bit.ly/MOY3C4).

Cocktails, in contrast, are always a matter of self-expression.  No two cocktails are exactly the same, unless your bar has hair-netted quality control personnel contracting a nice on-the-clock buzz, ensuring uniformity, conformity, soullessness.  Rather, the mass-produced liquors are mere ingredients, resigned to a futile existence but for your masterful pour which renders a sum greater than the parts.  Simply put, your creation of a great cocktail is your only potable path to self-realization.  As Rand wishes she had put it, you don’t have to have a wet bar to be a Fountainhead.  As your girlfriend might say, I’ll forgive you for skipping my Dad’s birthday dinner because you just mixed me a tasty, original cocktail.

3.  Having a bar signals positive character traits

Humanity’s response to the Industrial Revolution has been disappointing.  Imagine if you were a great thinker in the early 19th Century who was given the blueprint for the Industrial Revolution as it would evolve over the next 150 years.  Mass migration to cities, tenements, child labor, chimney sweeping?, Shirtwaist Factories, etc. followed by a renaissance which lifted many families into the middle class on a single 40-hour salary.  With this sharp increase in leisure time, you, as the great thinker, with your top hat and pipe (http://bit.ly/SZQeaQ), perhaps through the fallacy of projection, would expect individuals to be leading fulfilling, self-examined lives.  Much to your chagrin, however, we ended up using all that extra time, often lubricated by beers with foolish names, to examine the lives of others: Pattinsons, neighbors, Batman villains, Middletons, Kennedys, alleged Communists, family members, real Communists, though rarely the lives of the less influential or glamorous because that might creep towards self-examination.  As a gentleman must always possess some degree of serenity, he must conform to the People Magazine society whilst subtly pushing back.  (Disclaimer: I am not a historian.)

Thus begat the favored pastime that is the ability to analyze seemingly innocuous facts about a person and extrapolating that into the person’s philosophy, morality and JLT (Jay Leno Tolerance).  Some might call it prejudice or shallowness.  Alpha CEO’s might call it intuition.  I’m agnostic on the practice, but it exists so the gentleman must abide.

If done properly, your bar can signal the positive traits of maturity, temperance and forbearance.  By properly, I mean, don’t leave a nearly empty bottle of Jager or Popov vodka on the bar.  By following this simple instruction, you can show that you have moved past the college approach to drinking (1. buy amount of liquor/beer, 2. remain awake to consume all of said liquor/beer; 3. after waking up hungover, avoid viewing your sent text messages; 4. Repeat).  Your new bar will send a conspicuous signal to the world that you are capable of nurturing a quantity of alcohol for two days, a week, even longer!  That college girlfriend who dumped you for being a sophomoric lout might give you a second chance based on your true potential: a chubbier, sophisticated gentleman with a compromised hairline.

In my next post, I will explain the vital ingredients for your nascent libation station.

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5 thoughts on “Building Your First Bar (Part 1): Why You Should Assemble a Bar

  1. Pingback: Building your first Bar (Part II): The essentials | J NORMAN POST

  2. Pingback: The Great American Beer Festival | J NORMAN POST

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